The Altered Ego

i only get a good nights sleep when you’re next to me. i just sleep so much better. it takes me hours to fall asleep on my own. but when youre holding me, i can fall asleep in a couple seconds. i wake up energized and happy. normally people don’t wake up happy but for me its a completely different story. when im asleep, i dream of you and i together and when i wake up, im happy because i see you laying next to me i realized that:

my reality is better than my dreams.

-?

theres still that odd feeling in my heart. i get it whenever i look at you. is it a good feeling? i don’t think so. it isn’t your fault though. its mine. there is something i can sense in my mind that does not sit right. its what makes me not believe what you tell me. its what makes me keep my guard up. its what makes me keep my heart at bay. it makes me keep my heart protected. i haven’t been allowing myself to feel that sensation of butterflies in the stomach. even though i badly want to feel it. i just cant. i dont know why. ive blocked myself off from feeling any kind of emotion. if i dont feel emotion, i cant get hurt. but unfortunately, nor can i feel love or happiness. ive spent years building this wall around my heart to prevent anyone from damaging it. its taken me a long time but now ive built it so high that i cant even get out…. ive been trying to get over the wall but that unsettling feeling has been tying my down. and i really do want to get out. because once im out i can finally feel something again.

so please. do this for me. or at least help me.

can you break down my walls??

i like laying next to you. with you holding me in your arms. you look so cute and at peace but i cant help but wonder: what are you really thinking? you tell me how much you like me, you show me how much you like me, and you let me feel how much you like me. but i dont know. theres something in my head that makes me think its too good to be true. is it really that hard to believe someone likes me that much? you say and do many things that leads me to think you like me but i always wonder if thats what your real thoughts are. theres always something in the back of my mind that wonders if youre telling me the truth. or if theres something youre not telling me? i wish i was a mind reader.

wouldnt it make things easier?

if i fail at life, does that mean i win at death?

none of us know, we spend our whole lives secretly looking for it. we’d do anything. we’d kill for it, we would even die for it. yet when its staring at us right in the face, we’re so afraid to do anything. so afraid that we’d sometimes even pass up the chance. why can’t we just take it? too much to lose? or afraid of how much we’ll really gain?